Fragmented

Planing the future

Mon, 16 May 2005 02:59:15 GMT

Been awhile since I updated. Well lets see. Last friday was our last day of school. Hurray for being a Senior! But sadly I must return to school tomarrow so I can get this piece of paper sign so I can do this somewhat of a passing graduating thing. Yea i need signitures from all my teachers and then turn into guidence, but one of my teachers wasn't there and plus I had to turn in this portfolio to my other teacher so I can pass her class.

Im not going to turn in the Portfolio, im going to fail her class purposly. I need that class in order to graduate. I'll make it up during summer break. Not really a hassle to tell the truth. In any case, in my year long depress state and not having faith in myself to graduate in the first place due to the fact the school was going to hold me back because they lost my credit (to which found really late in the game), I didnt bother to order my cap and gown for graduation. Hence one reason im going to take summer school to pass.

Sure my friend wouldnt like the idea of me not graduating along side with them, specially my g/f, I feel shitty about it myself too, but its my fault for not having faith in myself and having to be consume by my own weakness. I must pay for my sins in a way.

Anywho, with that planed out, after summer school, I'll be probaly looking for a second job cause I'll be finally moving out! w00t! Im moving to a new apartment with 3 of my friends. I finally get to escape my mom and my brother. Sweet!! If my g/f isnt still pist off at me abut the graduation i hope to spend some actual alone time with her for once in the security of my own room. ^^

Just html work... Nvm this

Thu, 05 May 2005 17:09:45 GMT

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Online Orgy!!

Sun, 27 Feb 2005 21:24:38 GMT

Wheeee!! i came up with the greatest idea i had. I planed to build my very own chat room so that all my friends could have our very own online orgy! XD Its the most ingenius plan i ever had. Yes it may not sounds special ot morally right and i respect your opinions....... just mean you'll wont join my chat. XD nah im not a hater but you cause trouble for me i'll ban your ass and expect you to kiss my ass to get yours back in. XD I'll post the site address when i get done with it.

Leap of Faith

Sun, 30 Jan 2005 15:41:32 GMT

I had a grand time yesterday. I hanged out with 3 of my girly friends. Xia(Cya), Anna, and Amber. We watched Anime, eat food, watche more movies. and picked up Xia's Man. Hes black so you knows hes bad ass. lol XD

During the whole time there I was really close to Amber. She would lean her head onto my shoulder, lap, and I would hold her or pet her. It was nice to feel her warmth. Amber is my friend who now I happen to share lunch now cause of my class changing. The year started off with me and the whole group except Amber having B-lunch, and her by herself in A-lunch. I don't know but being with her alone kinda gave me time to bond with her. It was really cold for be cause I have a much lower body tempeture then most people. She would cling to me or just snug up next to me and help to keep each other warm. Thats when I felt it. This sense of happyness and warmth I haven't felt in ages.

(Back to the party) We all decided to play Karaoky (cant spell) again. I did terribly bad caugh I was always on the border line of the pich and couldn't stay low. Once it was Amber's turn. Xia whisper me asking whats going on between us, cause of all the close bonding we been doing all day. She ask me if I liked it. Like the dork I am I kinda giggle and said yes. Im very shy when it comes to this. >< She wanted to tell her how I felt. I said not now. I didnt want to ruin this night. Im a good sport but if I did get rejected. I would just be conflicted with more things in my head and start to stress again and most likly past out. But then Xia started threatening me. X_X I told her I'll do it before I leave.

It was 12:05 and I needed to go home. I said my goodbyes. I hugged Amber and whisper in her ear to come out with me. We sat down and started talking. She was quiet. I asked if Nick and Xia asked her anything about us and she said yes. I told her I liked her and was being alittle goofy with her tring to break the tension. Think I made it worse. Then I talked abit more. She said she wasn't sure yet. I told her "I don't need your answer now, you can tell me later, I don't want to push you into answering so take your time. I hope you tell me soon tho." She said she'll hope she can tell me soon too.

This whole thing is rather new to me. First time I asked a girl out I was sooo totally Rejected and felt crappy the whole summer. This is my second try to tell a girl I like her. This time it went smoother then the first but the answer is still unsure.

I hope she'll say yes. I don't want to be alone and cold, not feeling happy anymore. Maybe she can fill the gap in my heart that I been yerning for, and I hope i can do the same for her too. Just a matter of Taking a Leap of Faith.

I Apologize to had typed sooo much. I tend to keep going alot and I have alot to say lol. I'll stop ^^;;

My December

Sun, 30 Jan 2005 15:02:49 GMT

Linkin Park - My December

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you
Feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the
Things I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the things
I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

No More Glomps!!!

Thu, 27 Jan 2005 02:21:03 GMT

Its true, im sad to say, that my friend Kristy won't be glomping me. ;_; Kristy is one of Ex's who I still chat online. She lives up in Colorado. I believe alot of the good looking girls live near the border lines of Canada/USA. Pretty artistic asians in Canada. ;_; Anywho, My friend Kristy just got kicked out recent of her mother and now living with her father who won't support her at all. Her b/f, JP, isn't really welcome in his house, also she has no job. Not to mention their wedding will most likly be in April if things do get better.

Because shes moving to her dad's, so won't be able to chat with me anymore. Her dad doesn't own a computer. Now shes locked away from her chat buddys and me. ;_; I offer to help out by giving her money but she refused fulling nowing where I would get it from. I told her I'll earn it from my normal honest job and send some small cash just to help her out. Your probally wondering why I would give money to her. If you are your stupid. You want to know go figure it out yourself. Go figure it out on your own just like I had along time ago. >P

Birthday Coming Soon.

Sun, 23 Jan 2005 20:47:54 GMT

My Birthday is on the 4th of Febuary. I'll be turning 18. I always wonder what it would be like to be somewhat able to do stuff legally. I also yerned for that day when I could finally move away from this wicked and horrid place. I once dreamed many years ago I would move to England with my g/f, attended college there together and get married.My two sisters would come visit and play with their nephews and/or nieces. Sadly alot has changed, All my plans must be either thrown away or alter to a great extent.

In my head nothing good can really come out of it all now. My heart tell me otherwise, that there is still hope for me. Now adays I can hardly hear the sound of my heart beat, but I can still feel it, no matter how weak it may had gotten, over the past century. Maybe turning 18 is stil my only chnace at a better future. I'll be legally an adult, so I can drive and make my own decisions all on my own. I can leave that horrid woman for good and start a new life, Away from my biological family.

I praise for my divined plan to succeed and I could finally be put to rest to finally enjoy life once again.

For The Better

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 04:56:13 GMT

These past few years have been the most unique, stange, and hardest of years. about 5-6 years ago I lost my first lover, my first g/f. Since then the light in my life has disappeared and and along with that my youngest sister. She wasn't really my sister, just a really close friend of mine that lived in England. Shes gone too. Bless your heart and soul,..... Kari. Life was basically shitty without those two, to play with me and keep me inline. During all this time I kept changing myself. It gotten to the point where I dont even know who I am or at least what I am anymore.

Even tho i have my Clan, my family, my friends, and my new love in life. I still feel empty and that I haven't done all I can to make myself a better person. I should feel lucky, honor, and grateful for the things I have now, but sadly I dont see it anymore. I want to change once more but for the better for what ever thats means. I want to be like I was before I lost the most important people in my former life. I want that life back, I want to be happy again and not worry soo much. I want to cling that special person tightly and close as we just lay down together watching time past us by. The warmth of her body.

I sound selfish don't I? I try not to be, but I guess theres are some things that are a must in life... and thats to be whole once again.

Ending of the old

Fri, 31 Dec 2004 01:51:48 GMT

First and last entry before the end of the Year. Well im going to start fresh for the new year. Change all things about me and start anew. Yeah this is going to be short but i'll talk about myself once the new year starts. Til then Happy holidays and have a great New Years. Peace!